solitude

i realized that i have to change for the better... my life has been a mess after the incident last year. i lost a lot of things. i tried to start a new life, but i believe that i'm not on the right path... i need a break, i need time for myself, i need time to think.

i've made decisions that will change my life. i left my job in the call center and decided to concentrate on the things that i love doing... a friend told me that i should do what i love not love what i do... i realized that he is right. i gave myself time to analyze the whole situation and decided to just take the risk. people think that it was rather impulsive but for me it was having the courage to take the first step...it's going to be tough, but i'm used to that. i know i can make it.

i went to boracay for a retreat. i'm tried to find myself. and i did. i told myself that when i get back to manila, i'll be a different person. a more responsible me.

i finally let go of all the frustrations, the pain, the things that are bothering me everyday and focus on something more meaningful... focus on my goals in life.

for the past few months, all i've been focusing on is relationships. waiting for him to find me. but then life will always be unfair. and it is something i must learn to accept. there will always be times where you meet someone who is almost perfect but then you realize that it was just not meant to be. then you'll to wait again for the next big break and sooner or later you just realize that your back to that empty place. a dark cold room where you are alone by yourself.

i've decided to let go of the fear of going back to that place. i've been there long enough. there won't be anything new. it sad but i have to deal with it. but i will never lose hope.

i am here in Manila now. i know i've changed. i have to start a new life. i have to end this sorta fairytale. i cannot say that it is a happy ending but i've learned a lot. who knows... maybe someday it will become a real fairytale after all. but for now, i have to live a new life. a life where i will just look at the things around me, deal with the things that are happening and enjoy life. i'll be expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

for me, this is like sunset. it will be dark after a few minutes. only the moon and the stars will give light to the world. everyone will be resting, it will be silent, but at least there is still hope knowing that tomorrow will be a brand new day. now, i'll just stare at the sun hide slowly under the horizon, think of the things that happened and just breathe... (myownsymphony.blogspot.com)

to a particular person: i've learned i lot from you, and i'm thankful that you came into my life. things might not end way we want it to but i have no regrets. you will always have a place in my heart. you are special to me, and you know that. let's just see what will happen... but whatever the conclusion is... you will always be my friend. right now, i'm not closing any door, but i'm not waiting either. i'll just go with the flow.

thrill seeker

it happened one night... i cant remember the exact date and time, just the feeling.

he told me he lost the thrill, he's not interested anymore. i felt pressure in my chest, i was hurt.

i know that he's been in this situation, and i wanna tell him that he's doing a great job on the other side. but i don't want him to pity me though... i've been hurt a lot of times. i know i can move on.

maybe it's just the idea of losing someone again that i'm afraid of. if ever that happens, this one's gonna hurt like hell...

i wanted to tell him a lot of things that moment. but i just don't know where to start. he told me i freaked him out. sounds funny to me, honestly because the reasons he was giving me were not valid. i don't know. i felt like he never really appreciated the things that i did. he never found out that it was not the Tori Amos CD that i thought was special, it was the chocolate... it was not the idea of not finishing my lunch to pick him up the steps, it was the 13th floor, the place where i took him after i finished lunch. these things make me laugh sometimes because he never thought of it... after the first week he was not in the pedestal anymore. i treated him normally. he never realized that. it's too late now... i'll just have to let that go. i'm ok now.

we decided to continue what we're having. just wait and see where it will take us. i don't know if i should slowly start to let go now... or should i hang on?

i have to stop thinking.

only time can tell... that's what his best friend told me. i guess there's still hope. but for now, i need to concentrate on other things. i have a life.

going with the flow

To a particular somebody: I have yet to know what it is about you that I find fascinating. But for sure, the half of the face that I could see when we talked on the steps was more enchanting than the changing of colours, of the sudden burst of life of the morning. Your profile is more wondrous than the sunrise. And for me, who loves the sunrise and the sunset (my favourite times of the day), that is saying so much. I'm taking this one slow. I hold on to the changes that shift inside me and do this differently. There's just so much to gain and so much to lose. But isn't that how it is supposed to be? - The Flight of the Rocketman

that was his message. i wouldn't deny that he's a really good writer. and yes... we decided to take it slow. i don't know where this is heading, but i'm enjoying every second of it. there are times when i would miss him but wouldn't really make any move. i dont want him to feel that i'm possesive nor do i want to disturb him in any way. i just want him to be happy, coz everytime i'm with him, everytime i think of how he came into me life, i feel happy and at the same time calm... something i never felt in long time now... and words would never be enough to explain how thankful i am.

it was his birthday yesterday, i sent him flowers, the album of Kelly Clarkson and a cake. he told me that he liked it, and i'm glad he did. last saturday, we watched a concert with his friends. that's when i realized that he has something that makes me smile. i've never met anyone like him. the way he stares at me, the way he smiles, the way he makes fun of people... a lot of things. sometimes i just feel this surge of electricity flow through my body when i'm with him. i don't want him to know that though. he would probably laugh at me. these are some things that make me want more from him. i'm trying my best to take it slow, but then reality bites. i can never really ask him to be with me everytime i want to. sometimes i feel like what he's feeling now is different from the way he felt last week. i don't know why, but i have to stop thinking about these stupid ideas for this to work out. it's harder than just going with the flow, but i'm willing to do it. i have to trust him.

i told myself that whatever happens to this, i sincerely wish him happiness... i wish for him to find what he wants and be able to grab it.

once upon a time

i don't know how it happened but the following days, we were always sending messages to each other. he visits me on my lunch breaks. we even ate lunch together, at the right time - noon! there are a couple of times when he'd walk from his office to my building and meet me by the steps. we would always talk. we learned more things about each other and made our presence felt... that somehow we cared. there was even a time when we talked over the phone for 2 hours. he called me from his mobile (just imagine the bill that he'll be getting by the end of the month!). he told me that he'd rather spend money talking to someone he wanted to talk to, than save the money but not hear that person's voice. it made me feel really special... though i was making myself believe that he was just being nice. he would send me messages that i find really sweet, then i would always hold back the idea of him liking me back. it was just impossible.

but then friday came. i told him that i'll visit him this time. i bought him the new album of Tori Amos (beekeeper) and a bar of chocolate. i guess he liked it. we walked to this tavern near my place, had dinner there and talked. we were asking each other questions when he suddenly asked...

"what were you thinking when i was laughing out loud while watching South Park last sunday?"

i just felt like this would be the best moment to tell him everything...

"i'm gonna tell you a secret. the first time i met you 3 years ago, i found you really cute. but then i knew that you were up there. you wouldn't want to make friends with a normal person like me. i had this impression that you would only want to hang out with people like you... models, high profile people etc."

"that's not true!"

"well that's how i felt. anyway, you were laughing and i was at the kitchen counter behind you, i cant stop staring at you. that was the only time when you wouldn't really notice me. i just took advantage of the moment. i found it really cute. it made me like you more."

there was silence for a couple seconds, then it was his turn. he told me that he really liked my eyes. he said he could't stop looking at me while we were eating before heading to his friend's place. when we took the cab, he sat in front so that everytime he he looked, it wouldn't be obvious.

"after that night, i was telling my friend that you never left my mind. you were everywhere, in the office, at home, you were there inside the room when i was talking to him, i didn't know how to start it, i told myself that this guy has to like me. i asked him for your number and there, i sent you a message."

i will never forget that night. everything was revealed.

we decided to walk to his office and spend the night at his place listening to music. we both loved music. that's one of the things that we have in common.

there was a time when he just took my hand and we walked under the moonlight not saying anything...

and i didn't need anything more.

sunrise

tuesday night.

i was about to leave my mom's place when i received a message. it was him. saying hi... i can't believe my eyes. he asked his friend for my number. unexpected. it gave me the shock of my life.

i replied:

"i thought you already forgot me."
he said:
"and why would i forget you?"

it felt weird reading that message and knowing it came from him. someone i met 3 years ago; someone who looked like he didn't give a damn; he told me he had changed since then. and why not! let's give him the benefit of the doubt. he doesn't exactly look like he has changed. well... yeah, he looks better now. but the way he talked, the way he moved, everything's the same.

he asked me where i was, what i was doing, a whole lot of questons about me. told him i was on my way to work. suddenly, he said something that totally shocked me: he asked me if i wanted to smoke with him on my lunch break. hell yeah! its not about smoking. it's about seeing him again. i couldn't wait.

6:15 AM: i went downstairs. waited for him. and there he was. i guess he did remember me after all. we talked by the stairs, waited for my lunch break to end. the sun was rising. i was so amazed. i was listening to him attentively. i wanted to talk to him for the rest of the day. we talked about family, friends, work and all those stuff. it wasn't enough, it can never be enough, but i have to go back now. and again, he shooked my hand and said goodbye. i watched him walk away... hoping that i would be able to spend some time with him again. then he sent a message...

"Enjoy work. Thanks for being my break. :-)"

starting over

first...

three years ago... olive bar with my friends - my 2nd time there... we were introduced. he was a snob... a sweaty snob dancing like there was no tomorrow... almost wasted. he looked at me, raised his eyebrows but said nothing. he was cute but looked unattainable... he's a model who hangs out with other models... and i'm just me.

second...

three weeks from today. again, at government, formerly olive, with new and old friends... on the dance floor... same spot. there he was. same guy. this time, he paid more attention - he shook my hand... then went dancing again. he looks better now... but still beyond my reach.

third time's a charm they say...

came from a luau party and ended up in (guess where!) government... and there he was... and for the third time, we were introduced. i said it was the third. he just smiled. i couldn't stop staring at him. he captivates me.

we went to eat, can't stop looking at him... then to to his best friend's house, who happens to know that i find him cute. and there we were, a party of five - watching movies and chilling out. that's where it all started. my fairy tale. surreal.

i can't belive we're in the same house, the two of us. he took a shower, changed clothes then we were all on the floor, watching movies. he was there and there was only one person between the two of us. i wasn't really paying attention to the movie. i was waiting for what he was about to say or do. he was saying things... things that matter to me. i won't forget what he said about how he'd like to meet someone who would dominate him. it made me smile. when the first movie finished, we talked about the color of my eyes. i was wearing contacts that night. they were pretty bothered by it... then all of a sudden, he moved forward and stared into my eyes. i melted. it lasted a couple of seconds but it felt like eternity.

we watched another movie, South Park. he suddenly started laughing hard. i went to the kitchen counter, behind him. i found him fascinating. its amazing how you could just admire people for they way they laugh. i wasn't aware then but i know now that i'll be cherishing that moment for a very long time.

before i knew it, it was time to go. i said goodbye to his best friend. then came the moment... i was trying to figure out the right words to say to him... he extended his hand. i shook it. i heard words, "hope that you'll remember me next time we meet" and realized it was me. he said "no problem". that was it. a couple of hours with him and i know that he's still the guy that i met 3 years ago. everything's different now though. don't ask me why... you wouldn't understand.